INSECURITIES

I hate this.

Know why?

Many things are ringing in my head in the moment.

One, I hate that I have low self esteem when I see other girls who are so girlfriend material for my man. They are good in cooking. They have such nice hair. Such soft skin. I hate that i belittle myself.

Two, I hate that I possess this sickness because of me and because my man is not that affectionate through words ( the one that maybe, sort of, what I expect my man should be!)

I know. I know. Different relationships have diff ways of showing affection and even showing their presence. I hate myself because before, this was my thinking. I kept saying that we have our OWN UNIQUE ways. BUt right now, why am I looking for something? I SOOO hate myself right now.

Just now we argued about me having a fat swollen really messy face. At first I just asked him if he will still like me despite having a SHREK GOLDFISH JOHNNY BRAVO JOLLIBEE FACE. he said... SERYOSO?.. Then he blurted out that he can bid his friendship with the girl goodbye to have me. WHy the hell would I ask him this if he can leave his bestfriend, a valuable one, for me.

I have two issues in mind. One is that, Im just making lambing and just trying if my man would be like...SHEMPRE NAMAN HINDI AKO PHYSICAL MAGMAHAL, WALA AKONG PAKELAM CHUCHUCHU.... Because that is one quality he really doesnt have. FLOWERY LAMBING WORDS HE DIDNT POSSESS. Those things he didnt possess are what I think will boost me more up like Kryptonite.

The second issue I have is that, why the hell would she takl about that girl AGAIN. Everytime he talks about it, I feel like she is so valuable to him SANA NAGING SILA NLANG. However, I think of myself as a KONTRABIDA MANINIRA NG FRIENDSHIP INTRUDER PA. I didnt mean for it to be like that. I just got envy and two times jealous that time but I did not think that he would do that. DAMN. Why is so hard to swallow the fact that he really loves me despite whatever?

My instincts say that I feel this way (insecure na baka mababaw lang na feel nia para sakin, na after lang sia sa physical, na EWAN, PARANOID NA KO KUNG PARANOIDD) because he doesnt SHOW me how VALUABLE I AM TO HIM the WAY I imagine it to be.

BUllshit. I hate this warfare we always have.

I hate that I love him s much but I get insecure frequently. I hate that I, more or else, dont tangibly see him love me the way I desired it to be.

I hate that IM so understanding to him that I even allow myself to go to him all the time and that his efforts to me seem to be no longer necessary.

I told him to visit me while Im ill, but Im too understanding to let him pass due to constraints that there might be insufficient funds and that it's too far from him. SHIT I hate it that Joseph's get to show up in our house more frequently tthan he can. I hate that I kept on understanding him that HE COULDNT.

I hate that we have diff perspectives and way of making DESKARTE. DAMN. If I am a guy. Maybe, ill make sure my girl gets every bit of my affection hormones secretes. I will LOVE others the way I imagined my man to love me.

I hate the fact  that I sOOOOO understant him that I push him to do his thesis. I feel like its my very taskk. Because no one. NO ONE. will ever dot it other than me. HIS parents are soOO kind that I feel like they wont scold him at all. And  they all think HE is SSTUBBORN.

I know this may be SHALLOW for some person. May be shallow because youve undergone everything there IS to be undergone. HOWEVER, these are my insights of what there is in me right now. I hope there is a pill for this.

I SOOOO LOVE HIM. but I couldnt fix myself at all.